The Waiting Game (Mom writes again)

I figured that since my husband is out for a bit and the little guy is fast asleep, I would write today's message. Since Parker was diagnosed, Kevin and I have spent countless hours and days just waiting. I think that this is one of the hardest things when you have a sick child because waiting is completely out of our control. We are forced to wait day in and day out for something. Now we are waiting for the most obvious- that magical date when we may take our little boy to Italy so that he may finally be cured and experience life as every child deserves. Yes, we were told to expect to be leaving at the end of February, but until I have that date and am sitting on the plane I will continue to be anxious about our departure.

I have found that all this waiting is in fact my worst enemy because having nothing but time on my hands has allowed me to think more and in return worry more. I have always been a worrier, but the worry I experience at this time in my life is like no other. I long for the day when I will be able to worry about different things and not the future of my child's life. Yet, sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to really stop worrying about things that have become the norm for me. Will I ever feel safe being around someone again with the sniffles? Will my heart really stop skipping a beat every time someone comes into my home for a visit? Will I really be able to bring Parker to the playground and let him play with other kids without wondering if they could be sick? More importantly, will I ever feel at peace letting Parker go to school or will I always be waiting for a dreaded telephone call that he is not feeling well?

I often find myself wondering why all these things which are barely second guessed by most parents are the reality of my life. Perhaps it is just all this waiting that has me longing to live my life like everyone else. Trips to the grocery store, visits with friends, social gathering and playgroups. I ache for these moments and often feel so sad that I have not been able to experience them with Parker. Please do not get me wrong, I know that I am a lot more fortunate than many other families and for this I am truly thankful. I am thankful every single second of the day that I was given the gift of my precious little boy. He is what keeps me going when I am having days like today. His smile, that laugh and the way he looks at me with his bright blue eyes make every waiting moment worthwhile.

People often tell us that they do not know how we do it. Our response is that anyone would do it because you do not have a choice. You have to keep going and you have to find a way to get through the toughest of moments because you have a little person that is depending on you for everything. However, we are all human and we all have our moments. There are times, when you just need to talk and you just need a moment to crumble so that you may get back up and continue with a positive frame of mind. I know that when I think of all that we have endured, I truly have become a stronger person. Parker has taught me to be a better person and what it is like to love unconditionally. What better lesson could anyone ever teach someone?

I know that this waiting game will continue to be played for the next several months as we continue to wait for many magical numbers and the successful treatment that Parker is about to endure. I know that the best part will be when we are on the plane home to all of our loved ones and Parker is well on his way to recovery. I long for the day when I can put all this waiting away for a while and Kevin and I can enjoy our little boy, hug and kiss him and share him with all of our family and friends. Parker makes all this waiting worthwhile and as long as he comes home healthy, I know that this waiting game will turn out to be the most thankful game in life that I have ever had to play.