Wednesday, January 31, 2007

The Waiting Game (Mom writes again)

I figured that since my husband is out for a bit and the little guy is fast asleep, I would write today's message. Since Parker was diagnosed, Kevin and I have spent countless hours and days just waiting. I think that this is one of the hardest things when you have a sick child because waiting is completely out of our control. We are forced to wait day in and day out for something. Now we are waiting for the most obvious- that magical date when we may take our little boy to Italy so that he may finally be cured and experience life as every child deserves. Yes, we were told to expect to be leaving at the end of February, but until I have that date and am sitting on the plane I will continue to be anxious about our departure.

I have found that all this waiting is in fact my worst enemy because having nothing but time on my hands has allowed me to think more and in return worry more. I have always been a worrier, but the worry I experience at this time in my life is like no other. I long for the day when I will be able to worry about different things and not the future of my child's life. Yet, sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to really stop worrying about things that have become the norm for me. Will I ever feel safe being around someone again with the sniffles? Will my heart really stop skipping a beat every time someone comes into my home for a visit? Will I really be able to bring Parker to the playground and let him play with other kids without wondering if they could be sick? More importantly, will I ever feel at peace letting Parker go to school or will I always be waiting for a dreaded telephone call that he is not feeling well?

I often find myself wondering why all these things which are barely second guessed by most parents are the reality of my life. Perhaps it is just all this waiting that has me longing to live my life like everyone else. Trips to the grocery store, visits with friends, social gathering and playgroups. I ache for these moments and often feel so sad that I have not been able to experience them with Parker. Please do not get me wrong, I know that I am a lot more fortunate than many other families and for this I am truly thankful. I am thankful every single second of the day that I was given the gift of my precious little boy. He is what keeps me going when I am having days like today. His smile, that laugh and the way he looks at me with his bright blue eyes make every waiting moment worthwhile.

People often tell us that they do not know how we do it. Our response is that anyone would do it because you do not have a choice. You have to keep going and you have to find a way to get through the toughest of moments because you have a little person that is depending on you for everything. However, we are all human and we all have our moments. There are times, when you just need to talk and you just need a moment to crumble so that you may get back up and continue with a positive frame of mind. I know that when I think of all that we have endured, I truly have become a stronger person. Parker has taught me to be a better person and what it is like to love unconditionally. What better lesson could anyone ever teach someone?

I know that this waiting game will continue to be played for the next several months as we continue to wait for many magical numbers and the successful treatment that Parker is about to endure. I know that the best part will be when we are on the plane home to all of our loved ones and Parker is well on his way to recovery. I long for the day when I can put all this waiting away for a while and Kevin and I can enjoy our little boy, hug and kiss him and share him with all of our family and friends. Parker makes all this waiting worthwhile and as long as he comes home healthy, I know that this waiting game will turn out to be the most thankful game in life that I have ever had to play.

9 comments:

Natalie said...

Tracy,

Thank you for writing a beautiful letter for all of us to read and to help us all understand what you are going through. Your wait must feel like it is endless and I hope and pray that sooner than soon Parker will be flying home with you and Kevin! I hope that you know how much we all admire you and Kevin and little Parker Pants for your strength and courage. You have all taught us so much about how important your family and love ones are.

I hope the three of you know that you are in my thoughts each day and I can't wait for Parker's healthy return....then I can give all three of you a great big hug!

Lots of love,
Natalie xoxox

Elizabeth said...

Aww, Trace - what a beautiful and thoughtful post. I can only imagine the things that you have gone through - the things that are to come for you - and how it must all make you feel. Waiting is one of the hardest things to do - but you are right - this wait will be the most important one of your life - and the one with the best ending of all.

I can't wait myself.

Love Elizabeth
*hugs*

Stacia said...

TRACE,
Thanks for writing todays post!!!
I love that is right FROM THE HEART!!!
I hope your waits get shorter and shorter!!!
HUGS,
Stacy (& BRAD)
xoxoxox

coolauntiekatie said...

Trace,

We always comment to Parker what a brave little boy he is........and sometimes we forget what incredibly brave parents you both are. In fact, Parker is so young that he can't possibly grasp the enormity of the situation. You and Kevin have been put through so much this past year. You guys really are incredible parents. The strength you both have is truly awe-inspiring. As scary as the next few months will be, time will pass, and before you know it you'll be safe and sound back in Toronto.........celebrating with all your family and friends.

love ya lots,
Katie xo

Franni said...

Tracy,

I cannot imagine what you and Kevin go through every day as parents of such a precious little boy. He is so lucky to have you guys.
I hope that one day, not too far from now, that you can experience Parker in the way that you always wanted to... without always having to worry about him. You and Kevin are such great parents. The enormous sense of security and love that you provide Parker with everyday is the greatest gift that any parent can give their child. Parker couldn't have picked better parents.
Can't wait to see you guys when you arrive home from Italy!

Hugs,
Francine

funnyface said...

Tracy,

As I read you’re posting today it really takes me back to when we first learned about our nephew Philip's illness. Tracy there were days I did not know how my sister-in-law Linda did it. Day in and out at the hospital and not knowing what was going to happen. All the tests, doctors and opinions. It has to be the most trying time for parents and their families. Everyone around you goes on with their lives and you still sit almost standing still in time. You all have been very strong during this but we all know you are all heading into the most trying time off all.
On Sunday we were told that Philip has passed his 5 year check up and all is clear. Tracy, I look forward to hearing about Parker's 5 year check-up as we watch our kids play together in the park.

Love you tons and always know I am thinking of you and here for you!

Laura

Allyson said...

Beautifully said! My fingers, toes-OK-my whole body-is crossed for the day when you get the 'final' call and can board that plane! You are always in our thoughts!
Allyson

nonna said...

Dear Tracy,

It was really nice to read your post, we can only start to imagine what you go through daily keeping Parker healthy.
I pray that you and Kevin will be leading a normal life really soon.
I give you my strength each day.

love Nonna

Nana said...

Tracy,

That truly is a beautiful post - how very well you can express yourself.One day, not far into the future you will look back and it will all seem like a horrible nightmare. Our little Parker will be busy being a normal healthy little boy and you can Kevin will no longer have the worries and fears which you have had to date. All will be well.

We love you Parker.

Nana and Granddad (GaGa)
xoxo